me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
それは草
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here