When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Does this dress make me look cat?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.