if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.