It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN