Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.