Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.