ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Important
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Is this a threat?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”