World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.