Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck