Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”