I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I didn’t come here to be called names
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?