[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
A bold strategy
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten