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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
tis the season
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Day 2 of my diet
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
2022 will be better than 2021
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace