I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Good morning.
My daily affirmation
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I think we should hear other voices.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
i think we should see other cousins
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?