I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.