[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
buying dead houseplants to save time
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”