Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
me after eating Cheetos
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.