Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*checks Timeline*…
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing