If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?