BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.