I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Body by Oreos
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.