The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?