[on my way back to the posting caves]
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER