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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.