coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.