[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.