i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Gods work.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head