Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.