What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Unexpected Judgment
Clients after you give them your rates
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.