“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.