Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family