If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You Might Also Like
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
🍞🦆
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.