My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i