Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
WHY?!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.