My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?