I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Going into Monday like
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what