She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
You Might Also Like
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident