My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.