Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?