hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.