The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.