I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Yup.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn