Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
They’re on their honeymoon
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?