Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
You Might Also Like
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered