1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Geez man, take it easy.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
That’s fair
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.