[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?