If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.