Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥