“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.