When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber